Disney adults are the most terrifying people on the planet and they need to be stopped – The Tab

A Mickey Mouse tattoo isnt cute, its weird

Picture the scene: youre sound asleep in bed, dreaming away, when you start to hear the opening notes of When You Wish Upon a Star. You wake up, disoriented. Someones broken in. Is this the end? You wonder. You look towards the other side of the room expecting to meet your maker but at the end of your bed stands not a monster or a knife-wielding murderer, but something far worse: framed by the light creeping through your door is a grown woman and her boyfriend. Shes wearing a blonde wig and a sparkly blue dress, hes got a cowboy hat on and ANDY written on the underside of his right boot. You scream, hoping youre still dreaming, but this is the reality. Seemingly overnight, stunted adults have become really unironically into Disney and its horrifying.

A lot has been said about millennials inability to adjust our media consumption habits as weve grown up. So content are we to bathe in the warm nostalgic paddling pool of Twilight, One Direction, Waterloo Road and Tracy Beaker that we forget to read big boy books, get jobs, or have sex. That inability to cut the umbilical cord that connects us to childhood fantasy worlds has made monsters of us all in different ways. People who are still into Harry Potter or Pokmon well into their adulthood come in for a lot of flack, but there is a special place in Maleficents darkest dankest cell for the subsection of society that is Disney adults.

Now I want to be clear. Disney films are great and Ive watched loads of them Hercules? Great. Monsters Inc? A classic. Tangled? Underrated. I as an adult can appreciate Disney, but I would never ever label myself a Disney adult and there is a difference, because these people are weird. I dont care if you think we shouldnt dunk on people for enjoying things thats bullying. Im here to tell you that Disney adults are what happen when you dont bully people enough for liking things. Seriously, these overgrown children should be in divorce proceedings with their self esteem and instead theyre hopping up and down at the gates for the post-apocalyptic reopening of Disneyland, posing with Belle and Aurora like theyre meeting actual fucking royalty. Disney adults need to shake off the pixie dust, cut their infinitely long hair and deal with their bullshit, and heres why:

Its one thing to wear a Topshop jumper with Donald Duck on it like its still 2010 but imagine getting a Disney tattoo, like, making the call that youll one day die and be buried with a Mickey Mouse head or a quote from Lilo and Stitch somewhere on your body. It gets worse from there. Look at Sinnise from Love Island, out here with a Disney-themed birthday party in her twenties. Jesus H Christ.

In Disney films problems are solved with magical dresses, true loves kiss and occasionally the literal murder of people the protagonists believe to be evil. These films are obviously a terrible framework for processing the world around you. The real world does not work like the Pride Lands and you cant just chuck people into a crowd of hyenas if theyve been naughty. The trials and tribulations of Anna and Kristoffs love story will be even less helpful in equipping you to deal with actual relationships. This is a problem because these stunted Disney stans have no idea how to deal with anything remotely complex, they pretend it just ~isnt~ happening. If discussions about race, war, or gender dont happen in the world of Disney, they dont happen in the minds of Disney adults either!

Not to be a proper nerd but animated films are great. Theyre pieces of moving art that hundreds of people worked hard to bring to life, and with the magic of HD remasters, they still hold up. But the last few years have seen Disney pump out live action remakes of most of the classics: The Lion King, Beauty and the Beast, Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella all regurgitated with new celebrity actors and edgy muted colour palettes. Its crap and its the Disney adults who are responsible for it. Theyre paying Disney to keep rehashing the same plots, characters and songs from 50 years ago lest they dare experience something new.

Omfg I could not move for people on TikTok creating cast lists for the live action Hercules remake. Seriously guys there is a pandemic going on and youre out here demanding Lizzo play one of the muses? Read the room.

Did you know there are hidden Mickey heads all over Disneyland and that Hakuna Matata wasnt in the original script for The Lion King? Stop it Dan, finish your dissertation.

Idk who come off worse from this really. The couples of permo-grinning YouTubers touring Disneyland again and again until the soul drains from their eyes, or the thousands of people who return again and again to watch them.

You know how uni students went through a phase of playing quidditch in real life to further immerse themselves in the world of Harry Potter? Well what if I told you Disney adults had taken the idea one step further and mobilised to create and perpetuate a world in which the protagonists are Disney adults? Believe it or not there exists a video game series in which anime boys and girls journey between worlds based on Disney films swinging swords shaped like keys. It really has to be seen to be believed, but the long and short of it is that if ever there were a product designed to appeal to Disney adults, its Kingdom Hearts.

It is one thing to go on a sports night out in a Buzz Lightyear outfit you bought for a tenner at a bargain shop. It is wholly another to spend any more than that recreating Cinderellas dress or Peter Pans creepy PJs.

I will admit I have a lot of time for a Disney banger. Zero to Hero is a total bop and Ill Make a Man Out of You is great. But Id sooner ladle piss into my ears than queue up Circle of Life on a club night (which is something Ive seen happen) or sing Part of Your World at karaoke because I am a grown-up now and I know better. Rather than contribute anything meaningful to society they write exhaustive rankings of all the songs in all the films. When theyre not jamming out to the Frozen soundtrack or that one really annoying song from Moana theyre taking a detour to Hamilton or The Greatest Showman soundtracks and you know that both of those things are extremely bad vibes.

It seems every time a Disney film gets rebooted theres a big debate because two boys will hold hands at the back of a scene. Disney adults will hail it as a landmark moment in LGBT representation, homophobic countries will cut the scene out, and people with braincells are left scratching their heads at just how low the bar has been set. Sure, Disney films are superficially very camp, but the existence of Disney gays really boggles the mind, given just how heteronormative these stories are at their core. Remember when everyone thought they might make Elsa canonically a lesbian? Remember when they relegated a gay love story to a short film? Thats not even before we get into the incredibly dodgy racism of the older films (Dumbo, anyone?) If you have to be into animation aimed at kids you could at least stan stuff thats trying a little harder.

Disney adults will tell you theres no harm in embracing your inner child, that growing up is lame and boring, or that there are worse things they could be into. But theres a real world out there and Disney adults are missing it. Disney is designed to appeal to people of all ages, but its for children and the adults who still obsess over it desperately need to acquire a kink, or at least a hobby.

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Disney adults are the most terrifying people on the planet and they need to be stopped - The Tab

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