A Mickey Mouse tattoo isnt cute, its weird
Picture the scene: youre sound asleep in bed, dreaming away, when you start to hear the opening notes of When You Wish Upon a Star. You wake up, disoriented. Someones broken in. Is this the end? You wonder. You look towards the other side of the room expecting to meet your maker but at the end of your bed stands not a monster or a knife-wielding murderer, but something far worse: framed by the light creeping through your door is a grown woman and her boyfriend. Shes wearing a blonde wig and a sparkly blue dress, hes got a cowboy hat on and ANDY written on the underside of his right boot. You scream, hoping youre still dreaming, but this is the reality. Seemingly overnight, stunted adults have become really unironically into Disney and its horrifying.
A lot has been said about millennials inability to adjust our media consumption habits as weve grown up. So content are we to bathe in the warm nostalgic paddling pool of Twilight, One Direction, Waterloo Road and Tracy Beaker that we forget to read big boy books, get jobs, or have sex. That inability to cut the umbilical cord that connects us to childhood fantasy worlds has made monsters of us all in different ways. People who are still into Harry Potter or Pokmon well into their adulthood come in for a lot of flack, but there is a special place in Maleficents darkest dankest cell for the subsection of society that is Disney adults.
Now I want to be clear. Disney films are great and Ive watched loads of them Hercules? Great. Monsters Inc? A classic. Tangled? Underrated. I as an adult can appreciate Disney, but I would never ever label myself a Disney adult and there is a difference, because these people are weird. I dont care if you think we shouldnt dunk on people for enjoying things thats bullying. Im here to tell you that Disney adults are what happen when you dont bully people enough for liking things. Seriously, these overgrown children should be in divorce proceedings with their self esteem and instead theyre hopping up and down at the gates for the post-apocalyptic reopening of Disneyland, posing with Belle and Aurora like theyre meeting actual fucking royalty. Disney adults need to shake off the pixie dust, cut their infinitely long hair and deal with their bullshit, and heres why:
Its one thing to wear a Topshop jumper with Donald Duck on it like its still 2010 but imagine getting a Disney tattoo, like, making the call that youll one day die and be buried with a Mickey Mouse head or a quote from Lilo and Stitch somewhere on your body. It gets worse from there. Look at Sinnise from Love Island, out here with a Disney-themed birthday party in her twenties. Jesus H Christ.
In Disney films problems are solved with magical dresses, true loves kiss and occasionally the literal murder of people the protagonists believe to be evil. These films are obviously a terrible framework for processing the world around you. The real world does not work like the Pride Lands and you cant just chuck people into a crowd of hyenas if theyve been naughty. The trials and tribulations of Anna and Kristoffs love story will be even less helpful in equipping you to deal with actual relationships. This is a problem because these stunted Disney stans have no idea how to deal with anything remotely complex, they pretend it just ~isnt~ happening. If discussions about race, war, or gender dont happen in the world of Disney, they dont happen in the minds of Disney adults either!
Not to be a proper nerd but animated films are great. Theyre pieces of moving art that hundreds of people worked hard to bring to life, and with the magic of HD remasters, they still hold up. But the last few years have seen Disney pump out live action remakes of most of the classics: The Lion King, Beauty and the Beast, Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella all regurgitated with new celebrity actors and edgy muted colour palettes. Its crap and its the Disney adults who are responsible for it. Theyre paying Disney to keep rehashing the same plots, characters and songs from 50 years ago lest they dare experience something new.
Omfg I could not move for people on TikTok creating cast lists for the live action Hercules remake. Seriously guys there is a pandemic going on and youre out here demanding Lizzo play one of the muses? Read the room.
Did you know there are hidden Mickey heads all over Disneyland and that Hakuna Matata wasnt in the original script for The Lion King? Stop it Dan, finish your dissertation.
Idk who come off worse from this really. The couples of permo-grinning YouTubers touring Disneyland again and again until the soul drains from their eyes, or the thousands of people who return again and again to watch them.
You know how uni students went through a phase of playing quidditch in real life to further immerse themselves in the world of Harry Potter? Well what if I told you Disney adults had taken the idea one step further and mobilised to create and perpetuate a world in which the protagonists are Disney adults? Believe it or not there exists a video game series in which anime boys and girls journey between worlds based on Disney films swinging swords shaped like keys. It really has to be seen to be believed, but the long and short of it is that if ever there were a product designed to appeal to Disney adults, its Kingdom Hearts.
It is one thing to go on a sports night out in a Buzz Lightyear outfit you bought for a tenner at a bargain shop. It is wholly another to spend any more than that recreating Cinderellas dress or Peter Pans creepy PJs.
I will admit I have a lot of time for a Disney banger. Zero to Hero is a total bop and Ill Make a Man Out of You is great. But Id sooner ladle piss into my ears than queue up Circle of Life on a club night (which is something Ive seen happen) or sing Part of Your World at karaoke because I am a grown-up now and I know better. Rather than contribute anything meaningful to society they write exhaustive rankings of all the songs in all the films. When theyre not jamming out to the Frozen soundtrack or that one really annoying song from Moana theyre taking a detour to Hamilton or The Greatest Showman soundtracks and you know that both of those things are extremely bad vibes.
It seems every time a Disney film gets rebooted theres a big debate because two boys will hold hands at the back of a scene. Disney adults will hail it as a landmark moment in LGBT representation, homophobic countries will cut the scene out, and people with braincells are left scratching their heads at just how low the bar has been set. Sure, Disney films are superficially very camp, but the existence of Disney gays really boggles the mind, given just how heteronormative these stories are at their core. Remember when everyone thought they might make Elsa canonically a lesbian? Remember when they relegated a gay love story to a short film? Thats not even before we get into the incredibly dodgy racism of the older films (Dumbo, anyone?) If you have to be into animation aimed at kids you could at least stan stuff thats trying a little harder.
Disney adults will tell you theres no harm in embracing your inner child, that growing up is lame and boring, or that there are worse things they could be into. But theres a real world out there and Disney adults are missing it. Disney is designed to appeal to people of all ages, but its for children and the adults who still obsess over it desperately need to acquire a kink, or at least a hobby.
PLT is selling face masks with literal holes in them
You might have a new star sign because people are saying there are actually 13
Everyone is making jokes about TikTok being banned but should I panic?
See the rest here:
- Jaden Hill is LSU's ace pitcher who has a bigger calling in life: 'I'm chosen to help people' - The Advocate - February 19th, 2021
- Gangland: a book about meth and the people whose lives it touches - The Spinoff - February 17th, 2021
- SA tattoo artist to the stars on taking his skill abroad - News24 - February 14th, 2021
- Memories of dad help make University of Houston's Justin Gorham a rebounding machine - Houston Chronicle - February 11th, 2021
- Tauranga's strongest head to the Highlands - The Bay's News First - SunLive - February 6th, 2021
- Nick Carter of Backstreet Boys Got His Paris Hilton Tattoo Just 3 Week Before They Broke up - Showbiz Cheat Sheet - January 30th, 2021
- 2 Green Country Women Share Stories Through Tattoo Ink; Competing In National Contest - News On 6 - January 30th, 2021
- Gangs? Cliques? Subgroups? Call Them What You Will There've Been 18 (Yes, 18) In The LA Sheriff's Department - LAist - January 22nd, 2021
- Trump's useful thugs: how the Republican party offered a home to the Proud Boys - The Guardian - January 22nd, 2021
- Proud Boys among groups being watched as inauguration approaches. Do they have Northeast Ohio ties? - Akron Beacon Journal - January 20th, 2021
- Who are Proud Boys? The Western chauvinist far-right group explained and what Donald Trump has previously said about them - The Scotsman - January 15th, 2021
- Theyve been hidden too long: Report details Los Angeles Sheriffs deputy gangs and violence toward communities of color - East Bay Times - January 15th, 2021
- Hawaii Proud Boy Charged By DOJ After Raiding US Capitol - Honolulu Civil Beat - January 9th, 2021
- Swimming With My Shirt Off - The New York Times - January 9th, 2021
- How the Internet Reflected on and Coped With the Capitol Attack - Hyperallergic - January 9th, 2021
- The Weekly-ish Mailbag is mailing it in this week. - Off Tackle Empire - December 31st, 2020
- Four months before her wedding, Mary knew it was over - Sydney Morning Herald - December 19th, 2020
- Family, determination and a dream: The Real Woods story - The Stanford Daily - December 16th, 2020
- Skating solo gives me time to study everyone else on the rink - The Globe and Mail - December 16th, 2020
- LOCAL NEWS BRIEFS: Price is Right Live show rescheduled - Goshen News - December 16th, 2020
- Controversial Mom Made One Of Her Twin Toddlers Get A Tattoo For Very Important Reason - BabyGaga - December 11th, 2020
- Mum of twins tattoos one so she can tell them apart leaving mother-in-law fuming - Daily Star - December 11th, 2020
- Farmingtons mayor of 12 years memorializes his experience in tattoo - TwinCities.com-Pioneer Press - December 8th, 2020
- Im A Celebrity superfan gets tattoo of Ant and Dec at Gwrych Castle inked onto his thigh - The Sun - December 1st, 2020
- MacAdam: Fascination with Mike Tyson began in Albany - The Daily Gazette - November 27th, 2020
- 'Home town boys' return to Philippi Main Street - The Inter-Mountain - November 20th, 2020
- The Post-Election Proud Boys Meltdown Is Here, and It's Ugly - The Daily Beast - November 12th, 2020
- I just want to be with my friends: how will children cope with being cooped up again in second lockdown? - The Guardian - November 9th, 2020
- 240+ Inspirational & Meaningful One Word Tattoos (2020 ... - November 6th, 2020
- 75+ Best Small Tattoos For Men (2020) - Simple Cool ... - November 6th, 2020
- Tickets for sale in Snohomish County and around the region - The Daily Herald - November 5th, 2020
- Seances, tattoos and the unbreakable bond between Mikaela Mayer and Al Mitchell - ESPN - October 30th, 2020
- Students rediscover their childhood fandoms on TikTok - Daily Northwestern - October 29th, 2020
- Chase Winovich talks playing time, conspiracy theories with Zolak & Bertrand - 98.5 The Sports Hub - October 22nd, 2020
- The Cycle of Punitive Justice Starts in Schools. Eric Butler Is Showing Kids and Teachers How to Break It. - Mother Jones - October 21st, 2020
- The Proud Boys? - SOFREP - October 16th, 2020
- Theatre Alliance to perform outdoor production of Devil Boys from Beyond - Yes! Weekly - October 16th, 2020
- Freshers' Flu - Why My Mum Invented COVID - Cherwell Online - October 10th, 2020
- Who Are the Proud Boys Trump Told To 'Stand Back and Stand By'? - Snopes.com - October 8th, 2020
- Dan Osbornes tattoo shows hes protective of Jacqueline Jossa & the meaning behind Brooklyn Beckhams spoo - The Sun - October 7th, 2020
- When the Proud Boys came to town - The Economist - October 7th, 2020
- The ten essential facts you need to know about BTS's Suga - Film Daily - October 6th, 2020
- 30 Best Neck Tattoos for Boys and Girls - The Best Tattoo ... - September 30th, 2020
- Best 100+ Tattoo Designs For Men and Boys - Youme And Trends - September 30th, 2020
- Who are the Proud Boys, the extremist group Trump named in the debate - Insider - INSIDER - September 30th, 2020
- Fred Perry Will Denounce Proud Boys, But The President Won't - Highsnobiety - September 30th, 2020
- Hooligans With Heart: Phoenix Risings Red Fury fan club reaches out to refugees - Cronkite News - September 30th, 2020
- Whats New on Netflix UK & Top 10s: September 30th, 2020 - What's on Netflix - September 30th, 2020
- From the Fields: Soaking it up now | agrinews-pubs.com - Agri News - September 30th, 2020
- Who are the Proud Boys and why did Trump tell them to stand by? - The Irish Sun - September 30th, 2020
- The Giant Proud Boy Rally That Wasn't - VICE - September 28th, 2020
- Dallas Cowboys news: Defense is looking for improvements - Blogging The Boys - September 26th, 2020
- For Australia's military veterans, tattoos are an important reminder of the things they've seen - The Canberra Times - September 26th, 2020
- What is the alt-right group the Proud Boys? - The Sun - September 21st, 2020
- Police investigating after man tried to grab young boy from street - The Northern Echo - September 18th, 2020
- Cowboys news: Reviewing the rookies after the Cowboys season-opener - Blogging The Boys - September 18th, 2020
- Nas makes his latest claim to the throne with King's Disease - NYSMusic - September 18th, 2020
- The Boys Season 2 Episode 4: 20 Easter Eggs And Things You Might Have Missed - GameSpot - September 15th, 2020
- The Boys Season 2 Episode 4: 20 Things You Might Have Missed - GameSpot - September 11th, 2020
- Remembrance of Things Past: A favorite series features a book with a local tie - theday.com - September 11th, 2020
- RCB spinner Adam Zampa speaks of his love for whisky, need to carry microwave on tours - Times Now - September 8th, 2020
- Youth of color disproportionately represented in the justice system - Prescott eNews - September 7th, 2020
- Two "Boogaloo Boys" Allegedly Tried To Supply Weapons To Hamas And Join As Mercenaries - BuzzFeed News - September 6th, 2020
- Sophie Kasaei shows off full sleeve and chest piece in 'tattoo' snap - Heat - September 3rd, 2020
- Failed by the System - Eugene Weekly - September 3rd, 2020
- 'They're going to have to shoot me': A cop's son meets a tragic fate in Morris Township - Morristown Green - September 3rd, 2020
- Youth of color disproportionately represented in the justice system - Cronkite News - September 3rd, 2020
- 2 Boys Arrested In Suspected Attempted Carjacking, Armed Robbery - Patch.com - September 2nd, 2020
- Ask Billboard: Katy Perry's Career Bests, From 'One of the Boys' to 'Smile,' & Every Hot 100 'Idol' Top 10 - Billboard - August 29th, 2020
- This says Jimin's tattoo, it has a very deep meaning - Somag News - August 27th, 2020
- 10 Katy Perry Tattoos and the Meaning of Each - Music Times - August 27th, 2020
- Home and Away Review: Annabelle Stephens joins the cast as Angelos wife - The West Australian - August 26th, 2020
- Listen to this! New releases and livestreams from The Boy Band Project, Broadway Buskers, and Playbill - DC Metro Theater Arts - August 25th, 2020
- LASD gangs: Who are the Compton Executioners? - Los Angeles Times - August 20th, 2020
- Blake Shelton Said He Has the 'Crappiest Tattoo' and Fans Get It Wrong - Showbiz Cheat Sheet - July 15th, 2020
- 30 Hand Tattoo Designs for Boys and Girls - thisistattoo.com - September 13th, 2019
- Proud Boys - Wikipedia - September 13th, 2019