American Tattoo Artists

COULD people please stop sharing photos of queues outside Smyths every time someone announces a lockdown? All they do is question the existence of a generous guy who lives up North with an army of elves.

These photos also make people panic. Not me though. Not a jot. My wife, however, has alread y made sure that Santa has access to the main things our kids want him to bring in eight weeks' time.

Id like to think this is because shes panicky and lacks the kind of suave composure that I bring to these situation s . But, lets be honest, its because shes time travelled to Christmas morning and imagined the tears if Santa didnt deliver the goods, this year of all years.

I time travelled too and imagined myself delivering a lecture to the kids on how they have had it good compared to some people, and it was time to stop all the whinging. I can see now how Scroogey Dad w ould ruin Christmas for everybody. So kudos to the wife there.

And now to get the kids to write an early Santa letter so they cant change their minds. Because that could get messy.

Infinity and beyond:

Our six-year-old told us over breakfast this morning that someone in his class reckons that infinity 12 is the biggest number in the world he added that he could see the problem with that before I had a chance to say infinity 13 - Im childish.

Our kids then started to explain infinity to each other and I realised that their grasp of it was at least as good as mine. I was going to tell them its what you get when you divide a number by zero, but thats just the boring maths of it.

Infinity is really about stretching your imagination, giving your sense of wonder a chance to roam. And kids are good at that. There will be plenty of time to ruin their sense of wonder when they start studying science in secondary school.

Tattoo dad:

We pass these three teenage girls on the walk to school now. I like the snippets of conversations we catch because theyre never talking about Covid-19. This morning one of them said, He s the guy who gave my Dad his tattoos.

Her dad is young enough to get tattoos? Or maybe hes my age and wanted to try something different. Either way, it made me feel very old and settled.

Fringe benefits:

My wife took out the scissors and gave our daughter a fringe the other day. My little girl is gone and shes not coming back. Thats fine by me. Ive no problem about my eight-year-old growing up.

To be honest I think its a bit strange they way men want their little girls to stay little, as if theyre a pet hamster. The problem is , now that my daughter looks a bit like a Slovakian super-model, shes starting acting like one.

Is it the haircut? Or do the teenage years start for girls when they hit the age of eight?

Failure to rise:

I had a sourdough failure the day we went into lockdown. I will actually bore you with the details. You need your sourdough starter (natural yeast) to be properly active before you make up the dough.

You also need to heat the oven way up at 230C so that it rises from the get-go. I was in a rush and didnt wait for either of those conditions. The result was a loaf of gummy, half-risen bread that left me feeling fairly flat myself.

Sourdough isnt as much about baking (its just a loaf of bread) as ritual and marking time. Its wildly popular during a lockdownbecause at least its one thing that you can control, as long as youre patient. I tried a few slices of my sorry loaf and then threw it away.

This is no time for a bad loaf of bread.

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Learner Dad: 'I need to get the kids to write an early Santa letter so they cant change their minds' - Irish Examiner